Date: Mon, 27 Oct 2003 18:32:52 -0800
Reply-To: Myra Oltsik <my_sas_spot@YAHOO.COM>
Sender: "SAS(r) Discussion" <SAS-L@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU>
From: Myra Oltsik <my_sas_spot@YAHOO.COM>
Organization: http://groups.google.com
Subject: OT: Letter of Complaint
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1
Even though the following meets some of Jack Hamilton's warnings about
bogus materials, the person who sent this claims it's real, and it's
an enjoyable read. It would be nice to think someone did have the
chutzpah to send it. (And I checked at www.snopes.com and couldn't
find it.)
My :-)
===============
What follows is an example of British humour in a letter that was
truly written and sent. The piece suggests that Americans and
Canadians are not the only ones who get poor service from their ISP,
cable and/or alarm companies (NTL is a cable operator in Britain).
Dear Cretins:
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your 4-in-1 deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm
monitoring. During this 3-month period I have encountered inadequacy
of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as
ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.
Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either
pursue your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these
difficulties - or, more likely (I suspect), so that you can have some
entertaining reading material as you while away the working day
smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website. HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles
for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no doubt both
familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took
place some 2 weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring
a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit and his cerebrum. Two
weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived.
After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived, 6 weeks after
I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet
servers' downtime is roughly 35% - the hours between about 6 pm and
midnight, Monday through Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still
waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile
to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly
skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line
is available (and that someone will call me back); that I will be
transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is
available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to
someone and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me
that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and
then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And
several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least
a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another
one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to.
Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice
my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold
music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought British Telecom was shit; that they had attained the holy
piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere,
ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to
delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and
because, well, there isn't anyone else, is there?
How surprised I therefore was when I discovered to my considerable
dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards
you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum
incompetents of the highest order. BT - wankers though they are -
shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy mire of your
seemingly limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy
quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you
cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief and will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps
bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care
from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete
contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope
that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were
satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel
considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich
aroma and delicate texture.
Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL and its
worthless employees. Have a nice day. May it be the last in your
miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly
unhelpful bunch of twits.
Respectfully Yours,
