Hi,  Sorry about that last message - was trying to alert the Hosta group
about slugs and sent it to the wrong place.  Thought it was a good source
for the bane of the hosta world.  Kay

-----Original Message-----
From: Conchologists of America List [mailto:[log in to unmask]]On
Behalf Of Jan Haspeslagh
Sent: Thursday, November 09, 2000 9:16 AM
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Talk like a frozen snail


Well people, I know this will hardly be shell-related, but nevertheless:
a good laugh doesn't hurt anyone, does it?
Read and enjoy....

Jan Haspeslagh

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------

To :    All members of Her Majesty's Government

In accordance with popular opinion throughout Britain, but to the
surprise
of some of our foreign neighbours, the commissioners for European Union
have recently announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English

as
the accepted language for European communications rather than German,
the
other language which had been under consideration. This is seen as a
great
boost for our country.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government did concede that
on occasion the English spelling had some room for improvement and a
five-year phased plan has been accepted for the introduction of what
will become
known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year the letter "s" will be used instead of the soft "c".
Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also the hard

"c" will be replased by the letter "k". Not only will this klear up
konfusion, but typists akross the kountry will be delighted as keyboards

kan have
one less letter.

Their will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" kombination will be replased by the letter "f". This
will make words like "fotograf" twenty per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted

to get to the stage where more komplikated amendments are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, as these have
always been
a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre, that the horible mes
of
silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful and they wil be exterminated.

By the fourth year the new vision wil be klose to fulfilment when the
"th" kombination is replasd by the leter "z", "w" is replasd by "v" or
"m"
depending on sirkumstanses and "qu" by ze easier to pronouns "kv". By
zen peopl vil aksept mizout kvestion ze final steps.

During ze fifz year ze unesesary "o" vill be dropd from vords kontaining

"ou", and similar zings vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of
leters.

By ze end of ze fifz yer ven ze master plan is komplet, al pepol vill be

hapy mit zis vay of speaking and riting and ve vil hav a ruzlesly
efisiant languag and riten styl. Zer vill be no trubl or difikultis und
evrivun
vil find it ezi tu understand ozers.

Ze drem vil finaly kum tru and ve kan say mizout kvestion zat ve hav
vays of making yu talk.



--
Jan Haspeslagh
bibliothecaris/librarian VLIZ

email : [log in to unmask]

VLIZ
Vlaams Instituut voor de Zee vzw
Flanders Marine Institute
Victorialaan 3 - B-8400 Oostende, Belgium
Tel. +32-(0)59-34 21 30
Fax +32-(0)59-34 21 31
http :www.vliz.be