-----Original Message-----
From: Lewis Smith <[log in to unmask]>
To: [log in to unmask] <[log in to unmask]>
Date: Thursday, October 28, 1999 10:17 PM
Subject: IMPORTANT INSTRUCTIONS


>Whether in Kansas or Kazhakstan, some instructions will always hold true.
>Does that include
>                         HOW  TO  GIVE  YOUR  CAT  A  PILL?
>
>1).  Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
a
>baby.  Place right forefinger and thumb on either cheek and apply gentle
>pressure while holding pill in right hand.  When your cat opens its mouth,
>pop in the pill and allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
>2).  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Cradle cat in left
>arm and repeat process.
>3).  Retrieve cat from under bed and throw the now-soggy pill away.
>4).  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws
>tightly in left hand.  Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
>right forefinger.  Hold cat's mouth shut for a count of ten.
>5).  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.  Call
>spouse in from the garden.
>6).  Kneel on floor with cat firmly wedged between knees, holding front and
>rear paws.  Ignore cat's low growls.  Get your spouse to tightly hold cat's
>head with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into his mouth.  Roll the
pill
>down the ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
>7).  Retrieve cat from curtain rail,, get another pill from wrapper.  Make
>note to buy new curtains.  Carefully sweep broken "Precious Moments"
>figurines from hearth for later gluing.
>8).  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
>visible beneath left armpit.  Put pill in drinking straw, force mouth open
>with pencil.  Insert straw and blow.
>9).  Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of
>water to get taste out of mouth.  Apply band-aid to spouse's underarm and
>remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
>10).  Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.  Get another pill.  Place cat in
>cupboard with only head sticking out and hold door shut.  Force mouth open
>with teaspoon, shoot pill down throat with rubber band.
>11).  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on its
>hinges.  Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last
>tetanus shot.  Throw shredded T-shirt away and get another from dresser.
>12).  Call fire dept. to retrieve cat from top of neighbor's tree.
>Apologize to neighbor who swerved into fence avoiding the cat.  Take last
>pill from wrapper.
>13).  Tie cat's front & rear paws together with packing twine and bind
>tightly to table leg.  Get heavy duty pruning gloves from garden shed.
Push
>pill into mouth, followed by two ounces of ribeye steak.  Pour two glasses
>of water down cat's throat to wash pill down.
>14).  Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor
>stitches up fingers, forearm, and removes remnants of pill from your right
>eye.  Call furniture shop on the way home to order a new kitchen table.
>15).  Call local Humane Society to pick up cat, then go to local pet store
>and buy a hamster or turtle.
>
>                     HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
>
>1.) Wrap it in bacon and throw it in the air.
>
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