This message was forwarded to the list by Larry Cruse.------------Johnnie ----------------------------Original message---------------------------- recreational reading-- - > THIS IS AN ACTUAL LETTER FROM THE ARCHIVES OF THE SMITHSONIAN. > Paleoanthropology Division > Smithsonian Institute > 207 Pennsylvania Avenue > Washington, DC 20078 > > Dear Sir: > >Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, >layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have >given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to >inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents >"conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County >two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is >the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has >small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that >you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this >specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are >familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to >contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a >number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped >you off to its modern origin: > > 1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are > typically fossilized bone. > > 2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic > centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest > identified proto-hominids. > > 3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent > with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous > man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during > that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing > hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, > but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without > going into too much detail, let us say that: > > A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has > chewed on. > > B. Clams don't have teeth. > > It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your > request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to > the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly > due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent > geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were > produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce > wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that > we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department > with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name > "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, > fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but > was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was > hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. > > However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating > specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, > it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of > work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that > our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the > display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the > Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will > happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your > back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital > that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing > the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing > you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating > fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the > excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered > take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman > automotive crescent wrench. > > Yours in Science, > Harvey Rowe > Curator, Antiquities > > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Rosalind Tedford Microtext/Government Documents ZSR Library - Wake Forest University (910)759-5538 [log in to unmask] http://www.wfu.edu/~tedforl9 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^