This message was forwarded to the list by Larry Cruse.------------Johnnie
 
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> THIS IS AN ACTUAL LETTER FROM THE ARCHIVES OF THE SMITHSONIAN.
> Paleoanthropology Division
> Smithsonian Institute
> 207 Pennsylvania Avenue
> Washington, DC 20078
>
> Dear Sir:
>
>Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D,
>layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have
>given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to
>inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents
>"conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County
>two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is
>the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has
>small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that
>you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this
>specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are
>familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to
>contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a
>number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped
>you off to its modern origin:
>
>    1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are
>       typically fossilized bone.
>
>    2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
>       centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest
>       identified proto-hominids.
>
>    3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent
>       with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous
>       man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during
>       that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing
>       hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution,
>       but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without
>       going into too much detail, let us say that:
>
>        A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has
>           chewed on.
>
>        B. Clams don't have teeth.
>
>     It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
>     request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to
>     the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly
>     due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent
>     geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were
>     produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce
>     wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that
>     we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department
>     with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name
>     "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one,
>     fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but
>     was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was
>     hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
>
>     However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating
>     specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil,
>     it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of
>     work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that
>     our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the
>     display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the
>     Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will
>     happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your
>     back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital
>     that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing
>     the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing
>     you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating
>     fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the
>     excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered
>     take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman
>     automotive crescent wrench.
>
>     Yours in Science,
>     Harvey Rowe
>     Curator, Antiquities
>
>
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Rosalind Tedford
Microtext/Government Documents
ZSR Library - Wake Forest University
(910)759-5538
[log in to unmask]
http://www.wfu.edu/~tedforl9
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